Carmen Maria Machado "In the Dream House"

London, Serpent’s Tail, 2020

I chose this book for a challenge that was about reading a book a friend didn’t like or doesn’t recommend. And when I opened Goodreads, I noticed that a friend had given this book a 2 out of 5 rating, which probably means she wasn’t a fan.

I was also recommended (or should I say not recommended) a bunch of other books for said challenge but for whatever reason this one caught my attention. Then I remembered I had seen it years back on Goodreads and thought it worth reading even back then, yet somehow it got lost in the middle of all those 500+ books that are on my to read list.

In the Dream House is a book about domestic violence in a form that you don’t see often, or at all. The author writes about her own toxic and violent past relationship with another woman, while also educating the reader about other domestic violence cases in the LGBT+ community. Some of which have, unfortunately, ended with the death of the victim. Just putting it out there that Machado focuses on domestic violence cases and abusive behaviour in lesbian relationships, so if you are hoping to read about gay and/or transsexual etc pairings as well, this book might not be the one for you. 

Where do I even start and how do you even form an opinion about a book that describes someone’s personal experiences in an abusive relationship? How do you rate something that’s not just a book but someone’s life? 

One day years ago Carmen is out with her friends and meets a woman who seems to be her type. She showers her with attention, is very charismatic, looks exactly like her type, and they quickly hit it off. However, the woman is in an open relationship with someone else at that time so the only option for them to be together is if Carmen also agrees to this kind of relationship. She does and at first everything seems to work out well, at some point the woman even gives up her other relationship and says she wants to be exclusive. She loves her, wants to keep her safe, wants to grow old together … Or so she claims.

The mild abuse that had already started before they began a monogamous relationship only gets worse from there. The woman from the Dream House becomes possessive, angry, violent (especially mentally), jealous and starts acting flat-out crazy if you ask me. She humiliates Carmen, calls her names, accuses her of sleeping with other people, and tries to establish some sort of sick power over her, so she can control her girlfriend. 

I was fascinated by the author’s use of language and the way the book is made up. It consists of fragments that all present the Dream House as something specific, for example Dream House as Fantasy, Dream House as Utopia etc. Some call it a memoir, some say it’s an epistolary novel, in a way it might even seem as an exercise in writing – whatever you want to label it as, it is definitely a genre-busting piece. I was hooked for about the first half of the book, then some parts got a bit repetitive. I’m also going to have to give an unpopular opinion here: as much as the footnotes were part of the story, they became annoying pretty quickly. Not all of them, but if you’ve read the book, you probably know which ones I mean.

I bet we all wonder sometimes why people stay in abusive relationships, no matter if they’re being abused mentally or physically. Why do we (as people in general) let people do this to us? Is It because we think we don’t deserve better? Why do we let other people treat us like shit and call it love? 

I guess it is impossible to know the answer for sure if you have never been in some sort of toxic/abusive relationship yourself. It is easy to judge the ones who stay, but we tend to forget that the ones we are supposed to be judging are the ones doing the abusing, not the victims. I am sure every victim has their reasons for not leaving, the important thing is that at some point they find enough courage to break the cycle and realise they are worth so much more.

In the Dream House ends with an unexpected twist that I absolutely did not see coming and didn’t even realise I had hoped for. It might not seem like the kind of book that would have a plot twist, but it’s a lovely one. Not sure if that counts as a spoiler or not but it doesn’t really matter, you need hope going in. And it’s always great to read a story about a survivor.

You were young. You didn’t know your mind could be a boon and a prison both; that someone could take its power and turn it against you. 

She makes you tell her what is wrong with you. This is a favorite activity; even better than her telling you what is wrong with you. Years later, it’s a habit that’s hard to break. 

On that night, the gun is set upon the mantelpiece. The metaphorical gun, of course. If there were a literal gun, you’d probably be dead. 

It’s an awful thing, that missing symbol. Folks know. Folks can pick up on words of rock. Folks will know you for your wounds, your missing skin. Folks say nothing but Why didn’t you go / Why didn’t you run / Why didn’t you say?
(Also: Why did you stay?)
I try to say but I fail and fail. This is what I did not know until now: this constraint taints. It is poison. All day and night, until I ran, I was drinking poison.